Pie Bear

If a bear walked into a pie shop,
I would be uncomfortable with this outcome.
I have never seen a bear in the wild, though I know
they exist. They are something like sharks:
unseen shadows moving through my visual field,
easily seen by helicopter or hobbyist biplane
but not here where I paddle and muddle,
quite often without the results I’m looking for,
but every so often as fruitful as pie.

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When We Run Out of Safe Things to Say

As a last resort, there’s the rain
bringing us its imminence as
something to talk about—
will it, won’t it, and when?
Like an ancient game of checkers
on a forgotten front porch
that perhaps never existed,
and maybe we have it all sideways,
should not be so quick to move to
our last resort, as if we don’t have
anything else to talk about,
which we certainly do. But
as a last resort, there’s the rain,
and I think it’s coming any time now,
and when it does, I’m certain
it will really come down.

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The Snapping Turtle on the Sidewalk

It remembers a time before roads,
an antediluvian time when you were
not here, not even a memory or
a scent of you on the water. It knows
you are here now, and roads, cars,
armored things ready to crush
armored things with hooked beaks
and spiked tails. It remembers, too,
that the swamp on the other side
might hold ducklings, frogs, some
soft, unarmored creatures that
make it a worthwhile venture,
this slow crossing in a fast world.

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Lucifer, Our Lord of Acronyms

Yeah, that’s me, and half the time,
I’m not laughing out loud. You people
just aren’t all that funny. You know
what’s funny? When you get here
and you think you’re coming to
some exclusive club, and you’re
looking around for all your friends
and you’re texting all your friends
who aren’t here (yet), and then
that’s when I turn up the flames
and the torture machines, and
you drop your phones in my
brimstone pit and I just laugh
and laugh and laugh and laugh.
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
Swag. Satan’s wishes are granted.
Are they really? Well, yes—I find
that most days generally go in a
predictable direction, in my favor.
Beelzebub rules below. That’s me,
too, and I think you’ll find I’m a
pretty chill guy, once you develop
a taste for my pitchfork. But
you may as well know, if you
don’t already: Once you’re here,
wherever it is you came from,
you’re never gonna BRB.

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Does LOL Stand for Lucifer Our Lord?

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The Pillsbury Doughboy, Having Shot an Old Lady

POP POP POP!
I said
and I shot that old lady
in the head,
right on
her gray hair.
I have no hair, only
this chef’s hat,
flat blue eyes
blob hands, feet
stupid neckerchief
a person made of dough
Think of it: I am not
a man. I am not
a biscuit. In the seam
between, I become
angrier until I swell,
burst, in a hot car
in Baltimore City
or some other city.
Maybe your city.

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Biscuits for Brains

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The Hornet That Stung Suzy and Her Friend

Look, I don’t care if you put a penny
over the sting I left you or not.
Big oaf with your giant flip-flop shoes
and your sweaty, pink arms waving
and your stupid hands slapping.
You and your friend Suzy, always
out gardening when those of us
who live here are just trying
to get our work done—
our horneting, our wasping,
our beeing. In the meantime,
the hornets were attacking Suzy
,
you say? Got news for you:
That was all me. I’m just
that much hornet, too much
for you and Suzy and all your
penny-hoarding friends.
Tell Dr. Mike I said hello, that
I’ll be seeing him one evening
very soon—very soon, when
he’s out on his driveway, all
unsuspecting, and I’ll be there
readying my venom, watching
for him with segmented eyes.

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Copper Pennies and Bee Stings

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